I hold my breath every time I go through a tunnel.

Running. I remember running. Fast and aimless like a child on a playground. 

Against a warm wind not strong enough to wipe away the tears or dry the blood. 

I can’t breath, I can’t think, I can’t feel. 

I just run. 

Running under street lights, in front of cars, in the middle of the street,

hoping someone will see me. 

I try to scream but I can’t, and that comforts me - I can’t scream in a dream,

but this is no dream.

I had built Jericho around me, with walls built to scale,

but you were so much bigger, 

your grip so much stronger,

your breath so much hotter

I am broken, disoriented, worthless.

My memory comes back in flashes, that night and days, weeks, months after

“Indelible in the hippocampus is the laughter…”

Indelible in the hippocampus is the feeling of my face shoved against the cold concrete,

Indelible in the hippocampus is the heat of your breath on my neck and your hand over my mouth, 

Indelible in the hippocampus is the sharpness of your nails digging into my thighs,

Indelible in the hippocampus is the firm grip on my shoulders,

Indelible in the hippocampus is the air against my naked body.

I remember running. Running to get out of the tunnel where time stood still, where I thought This is the end, where a piece of me was taken, where my skin and bones and blood and breath belonged to you. 

I hold my breath every time I go through a tunnel

hoping I can take the life out of what you’ve left in me. 

Star Crossed

You break through my creature comforts just a little more every time a new star is reflected in your eyes

I’d much rather look at the stars in your eyes than in the sky.

The whispering of the wind and the crashing of the waves fall silent to the symphony of the universe
In the depth of your eyes,
On the edges of your sly smirk,
On the tips of your fingers.

I’m captivated by the richness of your universe,
Let’s get lost.

Wonderland

You stare at me, directly in the eyes and for a long while.

Mesmerized; I am lost in the complexity of how brown and green merge so delightfully to form something like a Rabbit Hole, and suddenly,

I was falling

                     down

                              that Rabbit Hole.

“Let’s go.”

All goes dark except the mischief dripping from the edges of your sly grin,

suggesting you’re the kind of trouble I like to get into.

I drift further into this alternate realm.

You held my hand as you lead me from star to star, running fast and throughout with a childlike laughter. There was no end and no beginning;

just you,

the stars,

and me. 

I’ve begin to feel the presence of your touch on my earthly body as my own earthly body regains feeling. Dizzy from twirling around the galaxy, my earthly body remains still and superfluous in this wondrous mirage we’ve constructed.   

Beach Baby ~

“Be easy

Take your time.

You are coming

Home.

To yourself.”

-Nayyirah Waheed

With each anticipated step up the rickety boardwalk, dense salted air detoxes my lungs, a bitter taste refuses to part with my hungry tongue, suggesting I won’t be the same after I leave.

The ocean’s orchestra becomes louder, exciting my soul and aligning my rhythm with its as I step barefoot into the sun-kissed sand.

Although annoying, seeming to get in every nook and cranny, I think sand was made miniscule for a reason. Each grain is designed to fit, filling in where skin lacks; completion. I dig my toes in a little deeper.

Each coming wave is a reminder to breathe.

Breathe in the solace of the sea. Breathe in the goodness and the authenticity and the comfort of the waves performing for you. I feel grounded and afloat all at once.

Breathe out the anxiety, the fears, the stress, the negativity. The sea is big enough to drown what taints your heart, let her do her work.

The crashing of wave after wave, the pulse of the ocean, a reminder She is a living being just as you are. Be still and let your heartbeat match up with the current of the seas. Let the ocean calm your restless heart, the burdens you carry were not made for you.

Be still.

Sometimes there are simple moments dressed in Joy, where Time seems to stand still and all you know is Invincibility – O how important those moments are.

Stand in awe of something bigger.

Relish in the paradoxical power of Her Majesty: calm, reflective, infinite; harsh, malicious, angry. Something with such grand power and capability to destroy eagerly awaits the chance to wash away your darkness. Funny how you can feel so small and yet so free.

Grace

Imagine waking up one morning without burdens, without a heavy heart, without weight on your shoulders, or devious thoughts racing through your head.

Imagine going a day without feeling guilt or resentment; your past not haunting you, the grey cloud above you vanished. No more fighting to suppress your fears and anxieties, no more failed attempts to quiet the sick voice in your head feeding negative thoughts into a vulnerable and damaged mind. No more shape shifting into someone you're not, no more giving up, no more hopelessness. You're not trapped in paralytic conviction.

Imagine waking up and everything feels different. Good different. Feels new, almost, except everything is how you left it. You feel refreshed and clean, like when you wake up from a much needed sleep to crisp air and the sun shining, not like you just woke up from an accidental nap in a state of panic and confusion.

Like finally you're free; the shackles are broken, the weight has been lifted. Your armor can be put down. You don't feel alone and you feel like you can actually, finally handle things. All of a sudden you realize all of the innate capabilities you were born with. They're not new, but it feels like it. You've had them all along.

Imagine waking up everyday like this. Refreshed and ready to conquer. Your slate is clean. It's a new day.

That's what grace does.

Christ showed us grace by dying on the cross, His blood used to wash away our sins day after day after day for all of eternity. It's like each day we, mere humans, dirty our canvas with sin and burden and regret and shame and worry and all sorts of stains we think are too rich to get out, and Christ stands ready to scrub and scrub until all is gone and our canvas is restored. He knows how hard struggles may be and how severely things hurt and how truly we ache, but He showed us His unfaltering determination and perseverance through His faultless life enduring strife and pain.

What defeats us, He already defeated. What holds reign over us could never hold reign over Him.

Imagine waking up and realizing you're not alone, there is a meticulous and sovereign God ready and eager to take on your biggest burdens and overcome your fears, anxieties, and guilt. Your battle's already been won by the undefeated King.

Not to say you'll wake up fully refreshed with birds delicately landing on your shoulder singing sweet songs to wake you up. Things will still be how you left them. Conflicts may still need to be resolved, things might need to be fixed. It might take time. You'll hurt and you'll hurt often. But you won't ever be alone. You'll have a constant reminder that you are well equipped with the tools to combat all troubles of this world because He is in you and that's all you could ever need. Nothing can hold power to you because nothing can hold power to the right hand of God. Nothing can defeat you because it's not you fighting anymore. The one who created all into being from breath, who created man from dust, who diminished the sting from death, who rose again; He is fighting in your honor.

It doesn't mean that everything will be perfect, it just means that everything will be okay. For today, for tomorrow, and for the rest of eternity.

Things not to say in front of/to someone who has/has had an Eating Disorder

"I'm just going to go anorexic"
"I'm anorexic for this week/day/etc"
"I'll just make myself puke"
"I could never go anorexic, I like food too much"

There's a difference in having anorexic tendencies and being anorexic, between making yourself puke once and being bulimic, between not eating to fit into a dress and not eating. Don't get me wrong, all of those are harmful, but claiming you have an ED because all you've eaten in 48 hours has been an apple is like complaining about how OCD you are when realistically you just like all your pens facing the same way in a drawer or tend to put your keys consistently in the same place. It's up there with claiming you're depressed because you had bad day, or even worse, telling someone with depression that it'll get better or, that "tomorrow's a new day."
Odds are you don't know what it's like to feel like a failure when you take one bite, to feel awful when you throw it up, to feel even worse if you don't throw it up. There's no winning in this game, but you won't know that until you're certain you're losing and your mind is lying to you saying you're in last place but actually you're the only one playing.
You don't know what it's like to become dependent on the 10 diet pills and supplements you take daily until you forget to take some or decide to stop and get better and you're physiologically not who you were; you are unhappy and mundane, so you have no choice but to revert back to your pills. You don't understand what it really means to suffer until you find out you have permanent health issues, like weak, yellow teeth, and acid reflux that requires long term medication.
The real kick is when you try to stop, try to get better, try to stop taking the pills one by one, eating slightly more, going a day before you stick your fingers down your throat, but you miss something. You're not whole anymore. The scale you hid behind the shelf peaks out and you find yourself standing on it shaking and sobbing. There's really nothing like realizing you've found comfort kneeling in front of the toilet and saving up to buy more pills and feeling empty. At this point, you may even be okay with how your body looks but you can't escape this lifestyle, it's who you are now. When you're lonely and stressed, angry or bored, your eating disorder will always be there to comfort you and there to celebrate with you when you're happy, rejoice with you when you're in love; a reliable acquaintance.
So just be cautious what you say, because it may be the reminder to someone that opens the door to their un-welcomed guest.

"If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"

I'm really pissed at you (me) for (letting you) (control)ing my happiness, both of you. I've worked hard for years to be in control of my happiness and here you go usurping my reign. I'm pretty certain I've actually become more negative, complaining just to get your sympathy and attention and just as something to say. But I don't want that and I certainly don't need to be dumping my shit on either of you, so I guess I'm sorry. I bet I'm just coming off dramatic and weak. I am not weak. Or at least I wasn't before now.


To my ex-boyfriend, how dare you enter so casually back into my life? I was just trying to sleep and there you are invading my dreams, leaving me to wake up and miss you. Do you know how much it hurts to wake up missing someone? Suddenly the bed is so much bigger and you realize your head doesn't fit on the pillow just as right as it fit on your chest. Don't you know how much you hurt me? Don't you dare think it's okay to make me forget how lowly you made me feel. And then you have the audacity to tell me you "miss" me? (I'm not yours to miss anymore.) I was doing just fine, sometimes a little down and missing our familiarity, but I could rally. Until I knew you missed me. You had me feeling sorry for you and falling for how my name sounded coming out of your mouth all over again and reminiscing through memories like a RomCom montage. The nostalgia you brought on acted as blinders for me. (Luckily I took them off before I fell into a bottomless pit or started running in circles.)

Now to you, the first boy I had actual feelings for since the end of my relationship. I'll start by apologizing. I'm sorry I came to you with open wounds and unsorted baggage, and I'm sorry for expecting you to heal me. That's not your job nor is it what I want; it was just convenient. I'm not usually the type of person to hold such heavy expectations. I probably scared you away and came on too strong, but you've got to understand where I'm coming from. You see, I was just with someone who knew my ins and outs and cared about minute details of my life. I can't expect you to fulfill the familiarity I just lost. However, it wasn't very nice of you to play into my vulnerability. Odds are you had no idea you were even doing it, but you were. It was very rude of you to compliment me and text me all the time. I thought you cared. (I told myself you cared.) Now I'm painstakingly awaiting your name on my phone and looking for a connection that just isn't there. I keep fishing for compliments and shapeshifting into something that I hope will grab your attention. I'm sorry for trying to get out of you what you just weren't willing to give me.

I've looked for happiness in the two of you in fleeting and artificial ways and I'm done. I'm tired of not being who I want to be, who I've worked so hard to be, and I'm tired of not being happy. You guys are welcome to stay in my life if you so choose, but there's going to be some changes.