I'm really pissed at you (me) for (letting you) (control)ing my happiness, both of you. I've worked hard for years to be in control of my happiness and here you go usurping my reign. I'm pretty certain I've actually become more negative, complaining just to get your sympathy and attention and just as something to say. But I don't want that and I certainly don't need to be dumping my shit on either of you, so I guess I'm sorry. I bet I'm just coming off dramatic and weak. I am not weak. Or at least I wasn't before now.
To my ex-boyfriend, how dare you enter so casually back into my life? I was just trying to sleep and there you are invading my dreams, leaving me to wake up and miss you. Do you know how much it hurts to wake up missing someone? Suddenly the bed is so much bigger and you realize your head doesn't fit on the pillow just as right as it fit on your chest. Don't you know how much you hurt me? Don't you dare think it's okay to make me forget how lowly you made me feel. And then you have the audacity to tell me you "miss" me? (I'm not yours to miss anymore.) I was doing just fine, sometimes a little down and missing our familiarity, but I could rally. Until I knew you missed me. You had me feeling sorry for you and falling for how my name sounded coming out of your mouth all over again and reminiscing through memories like a RomCom montage. The nostalgia you brought on acted as blinders for me. (Luckily I took them off before I fell into a bottomless pit or started running in circles.)
Now to you, the first boy I had actual feelings for since the end of my relationship. I'll start by apologizing. I'm sorry I came to you with open wounds and unsorted baggage, and I'm sorry for expecting you to heal me. That's not your job nor is it what I want; it was just convenient. I'm not usually the type of person to hold such heavy expectations. I probably scared you away and came on too strong, but you've got to understand where I'm coming from. You see, I was just with someone who knew my ins and outs and cared about minute details of my life. I can't expect you to fulfill the familiarity I just lost. However, it wasn't very nice of you to play into my vulnerability. Odds are you had no idea you were even doing it, but you were. It was very rude of you to compliment me and text me all the time. I thought you cared. (I told myself you cared.) Now I'm painstakingly awaiting your name on my phone and looking for a connection that just isn't there. I keep fishing for compliments and shapeshifting into something that I hope will grab your attention. I'm sorry for trying to get out of you what you just weren't willing to give me.
I've looked for happiness in the two of you in fleeting and artificial ways and I'm done. I'm tired of not being who I want to be, who I've worked so hard to be, and I'm tired of not being happy. You guys are welcome to stay in my life if you so choose, but there's going to be some changes.
